How do I begin this almost tragic story? Yes, our friendship started with you picking me up off my feet like a wounded bird. You saw a lonely, insecure and sad person and thought you would be the one to fix me. Very quickly, you became the world to me. You did this to many others, so that more than friends you had worshippers. How could you expect anyone to be able to get close to you when you never showed your true self? I loved you so much yet I could never get past your walls. With time, I realized your walls were built by lies.
I was warned many times but shut them down because I trusted you blindly, only to find out years later that your loyalty only depended on your self-interest. Behind your friends’ backs you would say the most awful things, even make up stories or at least exaggerate in a most negative way. How and why would you do this to the people that trusted you the most?
What I know about friendship is that you don’t talk about them behind their backs, you don’t help ruin their friendships with other people. You stand up for them when others talk smack. You definitely do not make record of the favors you do for them so you can count and state it for them in the future, as that destroys what any of it ever meant in the first place! You respect your boundaries, no matter how much they confide in you or complain to you about their parents for example, you do not ever cross that line and think you have the right to insult their parent or any family member for that matter. Between friendships, giving them a ride to places or treating them for food or drinks every now and again should not be counted as a holy and magnificent favor! That should only be natural between friends as you would do with family without keeping check. If you helped to take them shopping a few times over the years, you should not dare try and take responsibility for how they look today! A good friend would say something like, “you were made to become the princess you’re becoming. I did nothing but point out the way.” Oh wait, you actually said that word for word about four years ago, but I guess that was just another lie. A true friend would not throw you away like waste any time you had an argument, because guess what, people argue when they get that close. A true friend wouldn’t dare to dismiss you like rubbish, because if they loved you, they should supposedly be afraid to lose you too. A good friend, and in fact, a good person wouldn’t say the worst things about you during a falling out in hopes that who knows? Maybe someday you would reunite.
What good human being never allows you to forget a past mistake? Even though all I have ever done is shamelessly yet regretfully admit it to any person I meet. What does that in fact say about a person? At least I can admit a mistake! But apparently to you, that makes them an even worse person. Who appointed you as God of anything to even judge me? You have your panties in a twist when it comes to this past mistake while you defend those past friends so much as if they are even in your life anymore! All for what? To just make sure I feel horrible about it time and time again over the span of 4 years now? How sick and twisted do you have to be to do that to a person you supposedly call a best friend?!
Over the years, I never fooled you about my capabilities. You knew very early on that I may not be the best talker, but I’m a good listener. I heard it come out of your own mouth a hundred times that that was enough for you, and that all a person needs sometimes is just to be heard. Also, we were very similar in that we cherished our solitary time at home. We were never naturally the type to call up each and every one of our friends as we get enraptured by our own need for personal space. Knowing this, and noticing it was something I could not ever change in the span of six years and through witnessing the same be done with my other friends, what does that tell you? Perhaps that it was never personal? Sometimes people just come along with their own difficult traits and it’s your decision to take them as they are and find a way around it, or not deal with it at all. Every friendship or relationship needs compromise.
When you make a good friend, it is you deciding to trust this person. If you truly love them, you have faith in them so that even if someone says they did this or said that, you would choose to at least give them the benefit of the doubt because that should be how much you know they’re good. Why would you be friends with a bad person in the first place? Or did I suddenly turn bad the second you heard something bad about me? Is that how thin your faith is in your “best” friends? Even if you thought the worst, a loyal and mature person would defend his friend in public no matter what and then perhaps later in discretion question his friend about it. That’s just basics, 101. Where did you learn your ethics in friendship I wonder?
But all these depend on a person having a conscience, a heart, a soul. I tend to forget you sold your soul to the devil a long time ago, actually, your body too. You are almost the devil incarnate in all your ugly actions. The lies, the deceit, the cheating of the mind and body. It reached the point where people were merely things to you, inanimate objects as disposable as the clothes you have that you don’t wear because they are no longer in fashion. Honey, you can buy all of the New Collection clothes in Zara or any other pretentious store but you will still be ugly, because didn’t you hear? It’s inner beauty that counts. But I guess in your “community”, it’s all about looking better. Then you will keep competing till there is nothing left of you that is of any worth at all. You might get the body, the clothes, more bouji friends (not so surprisingly, a term I learned from you), but all you’ll have done is fed more and more into your endless insecurities, all to impress a crowd of heartless animals, as you’ll have become.
I have materialistic evidence to last a lifetime that can prove you to be the horrible person that you are, but unlike you, the only way I can make friends isn’t by making others look bad. I feel sorry for those that once more fell under your spell. I recall you saying countless times over the years that you felt terrible when a friend of yours would fall for you romantically despite there never being a chance between you two, however all I’ve seen you do is toy with their emotions so that they never leave you. You greedily live off of their admiration because at least there’s someone who can be blinded enough by their romantic feelings not to see your awful flaws.
Also, you keep egotistically stating how you are much better than this and that person in certain aspects because “that’s how I was raised”, while that cannot be further from the truth. You know deep down that if your parents were to ever find out a quarter of what you are, they’d have a heart attack on the spot. A person without manners, morals or principles…Sad really.
And to think we cared to humor you countless times over the years, about your body, your hair, your clothes, how you smelled, your English of poor pronunciation, your illogical writing of run-on sentences of awful grammar and spelling that you try to mask with a song, as if it weren’t enough already trying to figure out what the hell you were trying to say. Also, your awful wannabe ebonics, if you even know what that means! They would beat you bloody in any legit hood. And ha! You criticize me for my attempt at accents, God forbid, a person tries to do them just for fun! No no, even that’s not allowed.
A friendship to you was more like a dictatorship. You never considered us equals at all. Well thank God for that actually, if that ever meant I had to be as rotten.
In the end, I will still hope you someday stop spinning in your whirlwind of destruction. As if it weren’t enough what you are in nature, you go out and make sure you come home alone every day, completely alone with not a person in the world to understand you or share your pain and evil deeds. How desperately sad and lonely you must really be. Your only remaining friends are either ones who know nothing about your true self or are only there because you grew up together. Even your family are either in the dark or in denial about the sad abomination that you have become.
If you are such a perfect friend, I ask you this, why aren’t there hundreds around you who care? Perhaps it’s because no one would dare to love the beast, except the kind ones like in Disney fairytales. Clearly it’s not about the kind ones, it’s about the fools, fools like us who were the only ones who were able to handle your bullshit for six years. With all that, even though I realize you didn’t ever deserve a second of my friendship or loyalty, I do not regret any of it. Because though it may not have ever been real to you, it at least was to me. But you have become a brilliant actor, only for that I must applaud you. Till this day, you are still fooling people left and right. But hey, as long as that gives you temporary warmth (that is assuming you can still FEEL), you know you will soon be completely alone once again. What a shame, you never tried to respect or cherish what we had at least, because you’re a bloody fool. If you had showed your true self, without all the tricks and lies, perhaps any of us could have really helped. Instead you chose to deceive the world to create an inevitable miserable life for yourself. How do you sleep at night, I wonder.
You know how I sleep at night? Because God has blessed me with a family I can actually be myself with. I actually have friends other than you, believe it or not, and I say that not including the new ones that you will try to claim I chose over you, but you idiot, it was never about one or the other, because they aren’t just accessories as they are to you. They are people, try to think about that. And I have many people, not many accessories. People who picked me up and supported me in my worst states, and even happiest states! Until today, I have stories and secrets you know nothing about. I have a secret blog that I had made you a member of, only to notice you never checked, and when I started to lose faith in you, I kicked you out of it, but guess what, you never even noticed that either. Well of course, when was the last time you genuinely asked how I was, without me having to tell you first.
A friendship to me was never about the fancy places it could take me, the travels by the beach, or any of that materialistic crap. Friendship is honesty, care, time. If we sat and met on a curb for six years and talked with all our hearts, that would have been enough for me! A true friend would make me realize the harsh truth of my reality or hard life, instead of try his best to help me escape from it all all the time. Maybe that’s your method, but that’s not mine.
During our fallout, you think I seemed happy to only piss you off over the course of the year! How sad does that make you, to think my world ever revolved around you? Maybe that was a reflection of your year, because mine was actually marvellous. You missed out on the best year of my life, when I’d experienced truly being 19. Did you know that over that year, I’d have dreams every now and then of us meeting coincidentally and we’d laugh because we missed each other, because we had made peace with it all. That can never be the case with you though.
You did not raise me. You did not make me. My parents raised me. My friends helped me when you didn’t. I made me. You can only ever give someone the tools with which to change, that being the 10 or maybe 20%. The rest all depends on my own effort and determination. You used to say I was the younger version of you, and with time you started to say I was the younger and better version of you. I agree, with one alteration…I am the better version of myself. I refuse to ever admit that I was ever similar to you in anything, because that would mean admitting to having a similarity to an abomination.
It’s funny how even in describing me, it’s related to you! It’s always about you. That scrapbook I made…I poured my heart and soul into it. It was my mind and my thoughts and my feelings. I was trying so hard to tell you something. In it, I even admitted so much. I allowed myself to be as vulnerable as possible as proof of how much you meant to me. Yet all you’re able to say after receiving it, is how much it shows how we know you…I quote, “It’s so me. I’m glad my friends know me so well.” How did that ever make sense to you? How can it be so you when it was actually all me? You never even commented on its contents, on what I said. Once again, it transformed into another accessory with which to show off to your friends or acquaintances or strangers, to try and prove that you are popular and loved among your friends.
Thank you though, because even if I was an accessory to you, you entered my life for many reasons that I do not regret. As much as I lost, as much as I gained. No, I only gained. Even the pain and the loss were things gained.
I will not waste another second of my life stressing about you. It is not my loss at all, it’s yours. Because you know deep down, you will never find another friendship that will last this long, even if you made it happen through a mountain of lies. Nevertheless, I don’t wish you ill. I would have said I wish God and karma will punish you rightly, but I realize your existence is a punishment in itself. You alone shall carry your burdens and that weight alone is enough. Sayonara, I can’t say to a “friend”, but simply to a closed chapter in my life.